Final Fantasy VII: Case of the Black Materias
by Ali16
Summary: First part of the trilogy... Yes, I made a trilogy... Worship me like so many others worship Lucas...


Final Fantasy® VII Case of the Black Materias (2001)  
  
Cloud and the gang are all sitting on couches, bored as hell. On the other hand, Vincent Valentine is sitting on the floor in front of the television. He is deeply submerged in the Dracula episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
Vincent: Man, I love this show...  
  
Yuffie glances over at Vincent.  
  
Yuffie: I thought you hated this show?  
  
Vincent: Oh, I do. But all the female vampires... grrr. Heh heh heh...  
  
Red XIII: Life sucks the big one...  
  
Letting out a long sigh, Red retires to the door, where he lays there, licking himself.  
  
Yuffie: Red is right! Life was sure as hell a lot more fun when Sephiroth was alive.  
  
Everyone's gaze falls to Yuffie, and total silence fills the room as they stare at her.  
  
Yuffie:... What?  
  
Cloud: Are you serious???  
  
Yuffie: Well...  
  
Red XIII: She's right! At least when Sephiroth was alive, we devoted our lives to chase him and stop him! Now look at us! Nice goin', Cloud! You just ALWAYS have to play the hero! Now we are lowered down to the ranks of watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!!  
  
Vincent: Hey! I like this show! And plus, my life isn't boring...  
  
Vincent is once again consumed in the show.  
  
Vincent: My life is great... Oh look! Dracula looks like a youngin'! There's no way!  
  
Yuffie's gaze then falls to Vincent's face (well, at least the part you can see). She then falls off the couch, trying to get a closer look. This sparks almost no response from everyone else.  
  
Yuffie: Hey, Vince... You know what...?  
  
Vincent does not take his eyes off of the television.  
  
Vincent: Wha...?  
  
Yuffie edges closer to him, blocking his view of the show. She then comes face to face with him.  
  
Vincent: Your blocking the television! Now I won't know if Dracula kicked the shit out of her or not!!!  
  
Yuffie: This is a rerun. Dracula dies, Buffy kills him.  
  
Vincent: You ruined it for me! Thanks a lot!... What are you doing?  
  
Yuffie: Yeah... you two look A LOT alike... Yeah......  
  
Yuffie then latches onto his face, studying every curve.  
  
Vincent: ACK!  
  
Yuffie: Yeah... See, if the eyes were narrower and green... and the hair longer and silver... and the skin not so damn pale... Yeah... totally...  
  
Vincent: Uh, Yuffie!?  
  
Yuffie then realizes that she has a strong grip on his face.  
  
Yuffie: Oh, sorry 'bout that!  
  
Vincent: Who?  
  
Yuffie: Who what?  
  
Vincent: Who do I resemble?  
  
Yuffie: What are you talking about?  
  
Vincent: When you grabbed my face.  
  
Yuffie: Yeah...?  
  
Vincent: You said I resemble someone.  
  
Yuffie: Oh, yeah!  
  
Vincent: Well, who do I resemble??  
  
Barret then takes a long drink of some hot coffee as Yuffie and Vincent chat.  
  
Yuffie: Why, you look like the Great Sephiroth, of course!  
  
Upon hearing THAT name, Barret spits the hot coffee all over Cloud.  
  
Cloud: OW! Damn man! What the hell was that for!?  
  
Tifa: Aww, poor little Cloudy!  
  
Aeris: Oh God, here we go...  
  
Tifa: Is wittle Cloudy okay?  
  
Aeris carefully unties her shoe, then flings it at Tifa. Tifa gets struck in the head.  
  
Tifa: Who did that!?  
  
Aeris begins to giggle as Tifa rubs her head in pain.  
  
Tifa: ANYWAY, Yuffie. Why would you want cute wittle Vincy to look like big bad Mr. Sephy? They both are cutesy wootsy, but still.  
  
Aeris: (mumbling) Oh gawd... what a whore...  
  
Tifa: Huh? What did you say, Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Oh, I didn't say anything.  
  
Cid: She said nothing, except that you're a whore.  
  
Cid: Hey! That rhymes! 'You're a whore'! Hahaha!  
  
Tifa: You called me a whore?  
  
Aeris: Umm... Uhh... YEAH! SO WHAT IF I DID! YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT IF I HAD'NT GOTTTEN STABBED BY SEPHIROTH, THAT ME AND CLOUD WOULD HAVE BEEN A HOT COUPLE!!!  
  
Tifa: Ok, fine then! LET'S GO, BITCH!!!  
  
Tifa lunges at Aeris, pulling hair and clothes at the same time. Meanwhile, in the Shinra Building in a large bar...  
  
Bartender: Isn't it cool that the Shinra building has a bar now?  
  
Sephiroth: Yeah, I guess. But I thought the Shinra building got destroyed when meteor hit?  
  
Bartender: Yeah, well I thought you were killed! AHA!  
  
Sephiroth: If you've been working in the Shinra building, then YOU should be dead too!  
  
Bartender: Oh yeah... I guess this whole story thingy don't make sense.  
  
Sephiroth: This is a story?  
  
Bartender: Well, yeah! See, the Narrator is right there, typing on the computer while listening to music.  
  
Narrator: Ok, you two. You're REALLY starting to freak me out now. If you're so smart, then what CD am I listening to right...  
  
Narrator changes the CD.  
  
Narrator: Now!  
  
Sephiroth: Blade soundtrack.  
  
Narrator: Damn.  
  
Vincent then runs in, panting a bit.  
  
Vincent: Blade!? He's a vampire, huh? Does he know Buffy?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh gawd...  
  
Bartender: Hey... You know, you two-  
  
Sephiroth: Don't even say it.  
  
Bartender: Hey Narrator, they look alike, huh?  
  
Narrator: Um, can you please leave me out of this! I am trying to type the story here!  
  
Sephiroth: No, wait. If we look alike, then the Narrator should have a favorite out of the two of us!  
  
Narrator: Oh, come on. I don't wanna play favorites!  
  
Vincent: No, really! Which one of us do you like the best!  
  
Narrator: This is trivial! Can I just get on with the story?  
  
Sephiroth: Nope.  
  
Vincent: Nope.  
  
Bartender: Nope.  
  
Narrator: Well, just watch me! I am writing this thing, so I have the power to change anything I want in it! So there!  
  
The Narrator switches the scene back to Cloud and the others, while Tifa and Aeris fight. And somehow, Vincent is back, watching the fight. (Told you so!)  
  
Tifa: I'm better than you and Cloud wants me!  
  
Aeris: Why would Cloud want an ugly skank like you when he could have a beautiful Ancient like me, bitch!  
  
Tifa: My hair is prettier!  
  
Aeris: I have special powers!  
  
Tifa: I have a really small top and short shorts!  
  
Aeris: Cloud promised me a date! AND my font is PURTY!  
  
Tifa: YOUR FONT IS ACTUALLY THE SAME KIND OF FONT AS EVERYONE ELSES! AND I GOT BIGGER BOOBS THAN YOU!  
  
Aeris: YEAH, BIG AND FAKE BOOBS!  
  
Tifa: THEY ARE NOT FAAAAKE!!!  
  
Aeris: That's it! Switch to battle sequence!  
  
Tifa: Fine! You're going down!  
  
The scene switches to the battle scene. Battle music is playing in the background as everyone watches.  
  
Cid: Hey, Vince! I bet you that Tifa will win! 100gil!  
  
Vincent: I bet 150 on the Ancient!  
  
Red XIII: I bet on the Ancient too! Man, this is better than the Chocobo races!  
  
Barret: I got 200gil on Tifa!  
  
Cait Sith: I got 500gil that both will end up killing each other in a massive frenzy of blood, hair, fake boobs, and ass!  
  
Cloud: Yeah, I'm with Cait on that subject!  
  
Narrator: I'm going to have to go with Cait also.  
  
Meanwhile, on the roof of the house, Sephiroth watches from a skylight. Although he promised himself not to get involved with any of the other Final Fantasy VII characters, his curiosity got the best of him.  
  
Tifa = 2500 Hit Points Aeris = 2650 Hit Points  
  
Tifa casts Bolt on Aeris, taking off 100 hp. Aeris summons Shiva, taking 250 off of Tifa. Tifa casts Silence on Aeris, but misses. Aeris tries to attack, but misses. Tifa casts reflect on herself. Aeris casts Cure on Tifa.  
  
Aeris: Here, Tifa... NOT!  
  
Magic reflects off of Tifa and to Aeris, healing her 150. Tifa casts Quake3 on Aeris, taking off 550hp. Aeris casts reflect on herself. Tifa casts Cure on herself, but accidentally reflects it to Aeris, who heal by 100. Aeris casts Fire3 on herself.  
  
Tifa: Haha! Stupid!  
  
Aeris: Oh yeah? Watch...  
  
Magic is reflected off of Aeris to Tifa, dealing 250 damage points. Tifa's reflect wore off. Casts Cure3 on herself, healing fully. Aeris's reflect wore off. Summons Hades on Tifa, dealing 325 damage and poisoning her. Tifa hits Aeris, taking off 75hp. Tifa loses 150hp.  
  
Sephiroth: Now... The time is now...  
  
Sephiroth then jumps down from the sky light, landing on the ground.  
  
Narrator: Ok, I take back my bet. I think Sephiroth will win!  
  
Cid: You can't do that!  
  
Narrator casts Silence on Cid.  
  
Cid:...  
  
Narrator: Hahaha. Look at little Silence boy over there. Hahah!  
  
Sephiroth casts Heartless Angel on Tifa and Aeris, bringing both of their hp down to 1. He then uses one of his limit breaks: Omega Bitch Slapa, which defeats them both.  
  
Sephiroth: I win...  
  
Tifa: Damn... damn it...  
  
Aeris: Crap...  
  
Narrator: Yay! Gimme gil! Gimme, gimme, gimme!  
  
Cid: Greedy! That's not fair! You knew what was gonna happen! That's cheating!  
  
Narrator: I thought I Silenced you?! Eh, oh well.  
  
Narrator receives 1600gil and casts Silence on Cid again! Yuffie then runs up to Sephiroth, putting one arm around his neck and one on his stomach.  
  
Yuffie: You are sooo dreamy!  
  
Sephiroth: Do you realize that I am almost a decade older than you?  
  
Yuffie: Does age really matter? Love is blind.  
  
Sephiroth: Yeah, well in your case it's deaf and dumb also.  
  
Yuffie: Playing hard to get?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh God... What is this... The millionth time this has happened?  
  
Cloud: *cough* Ego *cough*  
  
Sephiroth: What did you just say, Cloudy boy?  
  
Cloud: Not a damn thing.  
  
Aeris: Um, do you two mind?! I'm kinda dead over here!  
  
Sephiroth: *cough* Wouldn't be the first time *cough*  
  
Aeris: What did you say, Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth: Not a damn thing.  
  
Cloud: Haha! You're learning!  
  
Cloud slaps Sephiroth a high five, while Aeris realizes something important.  
  
Aeris: Wait... Sephiroth...!!!  
  
Aeris runs out of the room, screaming "HE'S GONNA KILL ME AGAIN! HE'S GONNA KILL ME AGAIN!!!"  
  
Aeris: HE'S GONNA KILL ME AGAIN! HE'S GONNA KILL ME AGAIN!!!  
  
Narrator: I just said that!  
  
Aeris: Oh, sorry!  
  
Tifa sits up, asking about what just happened.  
  
Tifa: What just happened?  
  
Narrator: *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if you guys even need me at all... I swear...  
  
Cid: No, we don't.  
  
Narrator: I thought I Silenced you!!!  
  
Cid: Heh, heh. Guess it wore off again!  
  
Narrator: I got a better idea...  
  
Narrator drops a cinder block on Cid's thick skull, causing him to collapse and pass out.  
  
Narrator: See how long it takes for THAT to wear off, smart-ass.  
  
Sephiroth: ANYWAY, I have come for the Black Materia... again!  
  
Cloud: I gave it to you, remember?  
  
Sephiroth: When?  
  
Cloud: When you were in that little cocoon thingy.  
  
Sephiroth: When was that?  
  
Cloud: Hell if I remember.  
  
Sephiroth: Well, you should have remembered!  
  
Tifa: Um, guys...  
  
Cloud: You were the one controlling me, Mr. 'Big Shot Sephiroth'!  
  
Tifa: You guys...  
  
Sephiroth: Don't get that tone with me! Respect your elders!  
  
Tifa: You guys...  
  
Cloud: Elders? By what, three years? Four? Oh come on!  
  
Tifa: You guys!  
  
Sephiroth: Just remember who trained you!  
  
Tifa: YOU GUYS!  
  
Cloud: Yeah, well remembered who KILLED you!!!  
  
Tifa: YOU GUUUUYYYYYYSSSSSS!!!  
  
Sephiroth: YOU CHEATED! THAT OMNISLASH BULLSHIT WAS... BULLSHIT! THAT'S IT! BATTLE MODE, NOW! TIME TO SETTLE THIS!!!  
  
Cloud: You're on, old man!!!  
  
Tifa: No one ever listens to me...  
  
Scene switches to Battle Mode, playing that swanky music. Camera rotates around Sephiroth a couple times (the camera loves him, what can I say?) Cloud draws his Buster Sword, while Sephiroth pulls out his legendary masamune.  
  
Cloud: Oh, this looks familiar! Reminds me of the time that I beat the crap out of you!  
  
Sephiroth: I am not worried about a repeat of history, because last time was a fluke! I'll beat the shit out of you, like I beat the shit out of your bitches!  
  
Cloud: AT LEAST I GOT BITCHES!!!  
  
Sephiroth: OH YEAH??? WELL, ASK TIFA WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT WHEN SHE DIDN'T COME HOME!!!! AND ASK AERIS ABOUT THAT TIME THAT HER AND TIFA DIDN'T COME HOME!!!  
  
Cloud: Wait,... you had BOTH of them... at once?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah! It was like butta! Sweet, sweet butta!  
  
Cloud: OMG!!! YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN WANTING ACTION FROM JUST ONE OF THEM!!! AND LOOK AT YOU! OUT GETTING ACTION FROM BOTH AT ONCE!  
  
Sephiroth runs his fingers through his hair, grinning.  
  
Sephiroth: Well, after all... How could they resist?  
  
Cloud: Bastard!!! I wanted to hit it! You know I did! I talk about it all the time! About how much I wanted to hit Tifa, or Aeris, or both at once! It's not fair, it's not fair, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  
  
Sephiroth = ? Cloud = 9999 hp  
  
Sephiroth: Wait, what's the deal with the hp thingy??  
  
Narrator: Oh, I wanted to let the reader know how much hp you two have.  
  
Cloud: I only got 9999 hp? That's it? Cheap @!&%  
  
Narrator: Fine! You get half then, smart-ass!  
  
Sephiroth = ? (way more than Cloud now!) Cloud = 4555  
  
Cloud: Damn it!  
  
Sephiroth uses limit break Multiple Personalities on Cloud, taking off... Well, what do you know? 9998 hp!  
  
Narrator: See, Cloud? If you weren't such a smart-ass, then you would have made it out of that attack with at least 1 hp!!  
  
Cloud: Ugh... damn...  
  
Sephiroth: Come on! That was too easy! He didn't even put up a fight!  
  
Tifa: YOU GUYS!!!  
  
Sephiroth & Cloud: What!?  
  
Tifa: Look!  
  
Tifa points to the Black Materia, which is being held by Yuffie.  
  
Tifa: It's the Black Materia, and it is being held by Yuffie!  
  
Narrator: Man... I swear...  
  
Sephiroth: Are you stupid, Yuffie!? Do you realize what the Black Materia will do to you if you mishandle it! I don't know what it does, but trust me! It's all bad!  
  
Yuffie holds up the Black Materia in one hand, while another forms in the other hand. Sephiroth's jaw drops.  
  
Sephiroth: There's two!? Yuffie will be the ultimate master and ruler of the entire universe and space if she combines the power of both! She will be unstoppable and irresistible to all!  
  
Yuffie holds up the Materias.  
  
Yuffie: Here, Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth and Cloud's jaws drop as she hands over the Materias to Sephiroth.  
  
Sephiroth: I... I... Woah...  
  
Cloud: Yuffie! You could have been the ruler of all! And you gave it to our enemy!!! STUPID!!!  
  
Yuffie: Yeah, well, being the unchallenged and unbeatable ruler of all sounds pretty boring! And plus, I thought that Sephy-kins might like it! Right, Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth:...  
  
Yuffie: Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth:...  
  
Yuffie: Oh my God!!!  
  
Sephiroth's clothes begin to strip away, and he begins to change.  
  
Yuffie: Naked Sephy! OH MY GAWD!!! It's all just too much for me!!! But... I... must ... keep... looking... Must see... bare... and naked... skin...  
  
A light fills the room, causing everyone to shield their eyes. The light then vanishes, and all that is left of Sephiroth is his clothes, and boots. His sword, for some reason, is missing.  
  
Yuffie: Oh no! Where did he go!? Sephiroth!!!  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth?  
  
Barret: Sephiroth? Damn, man! Where did he go!?  
  
Red XIII: *yawn* Sephiroth?  
  
Vincent: Sephiroth!?... The Narrator likes me better! Na na na nana na!  
  
Cait Sith: Scooby? I mean... Sephiroth?  
  
Cid: *unconscious*  
  
Aeris yells from a distance.  
  
Aeris: Sephiroth?!!!!!  
  
Tifa: Sephiroth???  
  
Bartender: Sephiroth?  
  
Kupo.  
  
Yuffie: What? What the hell was that!?  
  
Kup kupo kupo.  
  
Cloud: Look!  
  
Cloud points to a little gray, black, and white Mog.  
  
Yuffie: Oh my goodness! Sephiroth!? He's a Mog!!! NOOO! How am I supposed to get ass from a Mog!? Damn it! Damn it all to hell!!!  
  
Mog: Kupo?  
  
Barret: The most powerful thing in this universe... is a Mog?  
  
Tifa:... Yeah. I get it!  
  
Cloud: Me too! Mogs save your game in FF9! Without them, you'd be screwed! I see!  
  
Mog: Kupo kupo po?  
  
Yuffie runs over to him, hugging him tight.  
  
Yuffie: Oh, Sephiroth! You make a gorgeous Mog!!! And you're mine! All mine! I'll find a way to get ass from you! I promise!!  
  
Mog: KUPO! PO!!!  
The End!  
Narrator: The end!???? What the hell kinda ending was that!? Oh hell no! My favorite character is not going to be turned into a Mog and molested by Yuffie!  
  
Vincent: I knew it! Sephiroth IS your favorite!!! I knew it!!!!  
  
Narrator: Grr!!!  
  
Narrator summons Meteor to destroy the entire planet and all the people in it, except for herself and Sephiroth, who is now his regular self. They then go onto another planet and live happily ever after!  
  
Narrator: I love being the narrator!  
The End! (For real this time) By: Alicia (Ulti) 


End file.
